When an LDS Missionary Comes Home Early

A few months ago, we had a child return home from his LDS mission earlier than planned.  I'm not gonna lie, that has been an unexpectedly tough situation in a lot of ways.  Wow, what an onslaught of heady feelings.  It has also been an unexpected chance to feel God's specific love and care for us as individuals and as a family.  

Since that time, I have twice had the chance to connect with families going through a circumstance similar to ours.  I know it feels disorienting and overwhelming when this news comes and the course you thought you were traveling suddenly shifts to a very different path.  Because I understand that personally, I want to meet people on their journey if I can. 

Although I can only speak to my own experience, I hope to share a few things that my son, my husband, and I have learned as we have adjusted to this new trajectory.  Though unexpected, it has also been a course that has brought us perspective, insight, and love we didn't understand before.  

I do not believe that the kind and generous God I know is the behind-the-scenes author of every struggle, problem, or trial that we face in life. But I do believe that He will be with us through whatever concern we are facing.  And not just that, IF WE WILL LET HIM He will empower us to use that circumstance for our good moving forward.  Imagine the capacity of a God who can take even our worst moments and help us use them as a springboard for growth.  

Here are a few things that I feel now that I've had a few months to process these experiences.  I am sure I have a lot more to learn, but maybe these observations can help someone else navigating a similar path.

To the Returned Missionary:

I love you.  I'm not making it up, I really do.  We haven't met, it doesn't matter.  I love you.  And LOTS of other people love you too.  Let them love you.  You both need it.  

On top of that, I am proud of you.  I don't know your individual circumstances or your specific concerns, but I do know that it takes courage to admit that you are struggling, you need help, you need to fix something, this experience is more difficult than expected -- and then tell someone else about those tender feelings.  Wow, that is such a powerful thing to have done.  It shows depth and tenacity and will help you shape a positive future moving forward.  What incredible strength to admit you need aid and then take the steps to start a new course.  You won't feel strong and powerful all the time, but that doesn't mean you aren't.  It's in there, let God help you develop that strength and begin to shape the limitless future you have ahead.  Jesus is your best friend and He will walk with you every moment if you will allow Him to.  

Give yourself some grace.  That is exactly what the atonement of Jesus Christ is designed for.  His grace is sufficient for you and you can lean into His mighty power and healing.  Trust in your Savior -- He can do anything and He loves you no matter what.  

To the Parent Supporting a Child on this Unexpected Journey:

I love you.  I really do.  And I understand that you may be a little (or a lottle) shaken right now.  This is hard.  It's REALLY hard.  Try to be honest about your feelings with a close friend or relative if you can.  Your child isn't the only one going through difficult emotions and you need someone in your corner.

Feeling Guilt:

You may feel like you fell short as a parent because this happened.  You may think you must not have taught them well enough.  You may wonder why you didn't see the struggle or realize its depth before they left.  You may feel hurt that they didn't tell you about what was happening or what they were thinking, doing, and feeling sooner. 

This is what I have to say to you:  You did not do anything wrong.  You are a good parent -- sure, not a perfect parent -- but an intentional, dedicated, devoted parent.  The moments you spent teaching, encouraging, listening, and working with your child are invaluable and they are not gone just because this mission didn't work out the way you both thought it would.  That's a hard thing to accept, but it's true.  

Your child is an individual with their own fears, strengths, struggles, and thoughts.  God gave them agency and you get to watch them learn to use that, just like you are learning to use it.  Returning from a mission early for whatever reason is an opportunity to recalibrate and prepare for wonderful things to come in life.  Respect your child's choices and do what you can to continue to love and support them -- they NEED you.  Remember, your child has a Savior and it isn't you.  Let Jesus do the saving while you work on loving and supporting.  

Protecting Your Child:

In a lot of ways, you may set yourself up as a kind of a shield for your child to protect them from pains, comments, or problems that could (and probably will) come.  Part of that, for me, meant setting some expectations and boundaries with the people around us when I learned our son would be returning home.  

I was pretty explicit with family and close friends about what I expected from them and the tone we would be taking with our son.  I also posted some thoughts on my social media accounts (including this graphic) to try to help people know what we felt was appropriate and inappropriate.  We were hopeful that people would be kind and respectful.  We wanted them to feel comfortable approaching our son, but also wanted to frame what we felt was a good way to do that.  

While attending that first extended family function or that first sacrament meeting was definitely hard, it felt a little bit better knowing that we had pre-emptively set some limits that would help everyone know what to plan for.  It helped us all feel more at ease.  Of course, some people are going to say hurtful things or ask rude questions.  You have to be ready for that.  Decide ahead of time how to respond when it happens.  You can't protect your child from everything -- but by setting boundaries and giving people a heads up about what is ok and what isn't you can better shape the outcomes these first interactions may have.  

DO NOT Focus Heavily on one Specific Future:

One of the biggest mistakes we made when our son returned was that we immediately started talking about his return to his mission.  We thought we were helping him to choose his direction and make plans he could work toward.  However, what he felt was pressure and judgement from us.  That did NOT help at all.  While it wasn't what we intended, it drove a quiet wedge between us that we then had to work to resolve.  

If your child has the option and desire to return to the mission field, that is lovely.  But it is not what they need you to be thinking about right now.  Right now, they need every ounce of love you can give them to help them gauge their next steps.  Returning to the field is too many steps ahead at first.  What needs to be done right now, today?  And the answer is probably something simple like they need to feel safe and loved.  

They need to know that you care about them no matter what they choose and no matter the reason they are home.  You loved them in the moments of their mission and you love them in the moments after as well.  They need to feel your acceptance, respect, and encouragement.  You can be their champion, they really need one.    

Look for & Acknowledge the Good Things

This situation is tough.  There is a lot of nuance and undercurrent that makes it even tougher as you move forward.  In what can feel like a deluge of difficulty, don't forget to note the beautiful moments that come along as well.

During the process, I had several times where my son and I had really awesome experiences together that I will always be grateful for.  Sometimes we were laughing and talking about his mission.  Sometimes the sentiment was more raw and tender.  Both were precious to me.  

I also had some really cherished interactions with my Heavenly Father and through the power of covenants He and I worked together to call down power and blessings for my family.  Those insights will stay with me forever. 

There is beauty in the ashes if you're willing to see it.  It doesn't take away the bitterness of the heavy moments, but it does give you an anchor you can hold to when you feel like storms are raging.   

To the Family & Friends Around the Missionary & Their Family:

One of my children shared an experience that really had an impact on me.  This child was attending a sacrament meeting where their friend was speaking in church before leaving on his mission.  My child and a number of friends sat together and one of those friends had her mom with her.  

In that group was also a young man who had just barely returned early from his mission.  This was one of the first events he had attended with people since coming home because he felt anxious and afraid.  Because he is a close friend, my child knew that he was working through some things and was not currently allowed to take the sacrament while he progressed through the repentance process.  But here he sat in a pew with so many other friends who didn't know the circumstances and might judge him poorly if they did know.  As the sacrament tray came down the row, this sweet boy bravely did as he had been asked and passed the tray along without partaking.  The tray next went to the mom of his female friend who passed the tray along without taking the bread and quietly commented, "I took the sacrament in my home ward already too."  

Can you imagine the relief and love that this young man felt.  The mom here did in fact know the situation, but she chose to quietly remind the people around her that there can be many reasons a person does not take the sacrament.  It is not for us to make assumptions.  She took some of the pressure and worry away with one loving statement. When I heard the story, I wanted to kiss her -- but more than that, I wanted to be like her.  

That is the biggest thing I would say.  See this young adult.  See them.  Care about them.  Treat them just like you would any other person in your life.  Don't avoid them so that you don't make it awkward.  It's gonna be awkward.  Do it anyway.  Say hi, ask them their preferred ice cream and then take it to their family.  Take them out for lunch and let them lead the conversation.  Invite them to a ball game with a group.  Ask them their favorite anything or what they want to be when they grow up or anything else.  Don't be pushy, but don't be afraid to ask about their mission.  It's an important part of their life, don't pretend it didn't happen.  

But please don't stop with the returned missionary.  

The parents in this family (and sometimes other family members as well) are going through their own invisible struggle and could use a cascade of support.  

If you're their bishop, please schedule a meeting to talk to just them (no kids present).  They might say they are fine, they probably aren't, but they may not know how to access or express their feelings.  Please love them and let them know they are seen.  And then follow up in a month or so.  There is a lot of emotion to unpack and it may take some time to come to terms with their real feelings. 

If you are a family member or friend, please check in.  Don't be afraid to say that you don't fully understand but you imagine this is hard.  That's enough.  They may want to talk, they may not.  That's ok.  Be willing to listen and more importantly, be willing to just be with them so they don't have to carry this alone.  Please don't be judgemental or point out what they could have or should have done differently in your view.  That isn't helpful.  Their emotions may be all over the place.  They have to work through things and that takes time.  But they NEED support.  

I heard the story of one person who approached a woman and said, I don't know if you want to talk.  You might not want to today, but maybe you will later.  I'm going to call you every Tuesday for a month at 10AM.  You'll see the call come in and know it's me.  You can answer if you want and I'll listen or talk as much as you need.  You can ignore the call if you prefer, but you'll know I was thinking about you and that I care about you.  I loved that idea.  What a gentle and kind way to show love and support.  

What it Comes Down To

The piece that matters most is that we are sincerely willing to sit in moments and experience them together with the people we care about.  Some of the moments will be beautiful and some of them will be uncomfortable or even painful.  But each of these moments can help us come closer to our Father in Heaven and to each other as we build a connection that will get us through even the most difficult situations life can throw at us.  After all, there is literal comfort and strength in loving one another.  

A few additional resources that may be helpful:

Church Leaders talk about how to deal with coming home early from a mission.

Advice from Returned Missionaries: What to say (and not say)

When a Missionary Returns Early