...and they all lived happily ever after...

...and they all lived happily ever after...

Thursday, December 11, 2014

That's it! I officially hate my Christmas tree!

This is my Christmas tree.
See how he stands there with his lights and his ornaments all "Look at me, I'm so pretty.  I'm so special, everyone gaze upon my beauty."  

Rotten twerp.

Now, don't go taking his side before I even get started.  He may look sweet, but it is only a facade.  On the inside, he is the DEVIL!!!

This is his third Christmas season with our family.  We bought him brand new and brought him home and have given him a good life.  But is he grateful?  NO!

One night, a few days ago, my children came to me with sad, droopy faces to tell me that our tree had a spot with no lights.  Now, this supposedly (ha ha) pre-lit tree has lights strung strategically throughout its limbs so it is brightly lit from every angle....except upon inspection I found a huge gaping absence of lights.  Right there in the middle.  

See, centri-fied light absence.
 Huh.  That's weird.  So I jiggled the strand a little (sometimes a loose light can pop back into place that way).  No dice.  Needs more attention, I looked more closely.  

That's when I discovered that every single light on that strand now touted a dark shadow around its middle.  Every single light on the strand had blown.  I swear I could hear the tree start to chuckle as I worked.

Ok, I am nothing if not problem-solvy so I started in on the issue.  I deftly (HA!) stripped the lights from that section of the tree carefully unwinding them from each branch until I had detached them completely from the tree.  Yup, sure are all blown.  Weird.

Well, there wasn't much to do but to re-install another set of lights to replace the broken set.  Ok,  I can do that.  

I set to work.  That's when the tree decided on its next practical joke.  While I was in the shed getting out a new strand of lights the tree intentionally blew an entire other string of bulbs.  I came back inside to yet another dead section.  

The plot thickens.

This time the tree was gulping back its laughter.  But I could hear the tittering.  Oh, there was tittering...and it was coming from my verdant companion.  Stupid tree!

Fine.  I'll do another set.

Take them off (I have the plastic branch scratches all over my arms to show for it).  Meander new lights on empty branches.  Stand back and admire the beauty.  Aaaah.  Job well done.

But that is when Mr. Living Room Shrub hatched the next phase of his diabolical plot.  

TWICE more.  That's right, TWICE more over the next two days my friendly, lovely "Christmas Tree" plugged its nose and blew -- hard -- popping two more full strands of light.  So I got to repeat the "fun" of this lights and branches together time two more times.  Also, I got to take a trip to the store for two more strings of twinkle lights because I quickly ran out or spares.  This time I bought the fancy, warm, LED lights that supposedly last longer and use less energy and DON'T BLOW UP WHEN THEY ARE TURNED ON STRING BY STRING WHEN EGGED ON BY THEIR GREEN, FIR TREE MASTER!!!

Like I said, my tree is the devil.  The Devil.

Since we had apparently become mortal enemies (what I ever did to him I will never know) I chose to approach my tree and attempt to mend fences.  I think after a couple candid conversations we may be on the road to emotional recovery.  The relationship may survive; that remains to be seen.

The ball is in his court.

But he does look nice...for now.

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